Holding on

I've learned, relearned, and am currently still learning quite a bit recently so I figured here is as good of a place as any to record it. I've taken it upon myself to try to be more positive and not let the little negatives ruin life's experiences so you won't hear a lot of complaining from me anytime soon. Confusion? Oh, lots of it I promise.. as good of a grasp as I seem to have on things I'm as confused as anyone.

In the last two hours or so I think I just discovered that I'm a holder. I hold on to people in my life, relationships, memories, scents, tastes, feelings, objects, pictures, letters, emails, texts.. you name it. Other people may have absolutely no issue tossing any or all of those things in the trash, and while that may sound drastic or harsh from my perspective, it is simply how they handle things. It's taken me years to realize that what works for me may not work the same way for everyone else. It seems like a simple enough concept but for whatever reason we simply can't step out of our own bubble and look at ourselves and others until either we are forced to or something significant happens that causes some kind of realization.

Speaking of which, I've spent much of the last 3 months or so scratching and clawing my way out of my own bubble in order to try to understand things. I'm very aware of the things that I do that seem harmless to me yet harm others, or the things I try to do to help that don't quite come across the way I intend. Some people I've noticed just act or react to a situation prematurely or without fully understanding and have the mindset that "I shouldn't apologize, that's how I genuinely felt." and that is a totally acceptable outlook, but personally I like to try to make things right and learn how to prevent it in the future. Maybe to some it is pointless, but to me if it is a small step in becoming a better person somehow I'm going to take it. I don't just want to be a better person for myself but for my family, my love, and someday my children. To me there aren't many things more rewarding than taking a situation, issue, conflict, or whatever with a loved one and really trying to understand it together whether it means you have to agree to agree, or agree to disagree. On the other side of that coin, there aren't many things less rewarding than to take that situation and continue to throw stones at each other. It takes two to make it work, regardless of how much effort one side or another puts in.

Sometimes I feel like I've been trying to solve an algebraic equation with no book to teach me the basics, but trust me I'm getting there. I honestly thought I knew everything I needed to know up to this point and that everything else would come naturally, and in a way it has.. but not nearly in the way that I had imagined or hoped for. Regardless of what you've been through, you never stop learning unless you prevent yourself from doing so.